We’re pregnant!

I haven’t taken the time to really reflect on my pregnancy thus far, and today sucked, so here’s my moment to slow down.

I found out I was pregnant before I was even 4 weeks in. I was sitting on my couch, like the sloth I am, when I felt a strange zapping sensation in my pelvic area. This was unlike any other feeling I’ve ever had, and I had 50 pregnancy test strips. So why not test?

I tested and convinced myself there was a positive line near the control. But Ian assured me it was negative, and we went to a friend’s for dinner that night where they cooked us an epic meal of medium rare steak with wine. Shortly after I finished eating, I got nauseous suddenly. We went home and went to bed, but I couldn’t help but keep thinking I saw the faintest shadow of a second line on my pregnancy test earlier. I couldn’t sleep well that night. I tossed and turned and actually dreamed I was pregnant. I woke up early for work the next morning, eager to test again. And sure enough, there was a second line this time. You couldn’t deny it. I was pregnant.

Two serum beta HCG levels later, my doctor confirmed it. Ian already had an idea, since I was nagging him for days now, insisting I was pregnant. But as soon as he heard it, the breath left his lungs and he couldn’t believe it.

We’re 19 weeks in today and I still can’t believe it. The fact that my body is making another tiny, living body is incomprehensible in the best way. Coming from a health and medicine background, the idea that my body created a tiny heart – a self-sustaining organ that transmits its own electrical impulses and beats to nourish an entire network of neurons, cells, blood vessels, and organs, is mind-blowing to me. The idea that my baby, my son, is being completely nurtured by my own body’s intuition and that he is taking a conscience, learning how to suck on his thumbs, and roll around and flex his little developing limbs, takes my mind to a different universe. I don’t know what I’m more amazed at – the fact that my body is capable of this process, or that I’m bringing this new life, this new conscience, into this world in just a few mere months. And that by time, his brain will process visual cues and colors, convert signals into real sounds, and in years, he’ll be able to talk and tell me his own thoughts.

He isn’t even born yet and I already feel like he’s taught me so much about motherhood. Motherhood is constantly worrying and learning to trust the process. In the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, before we had our first ultrasound, I was filled with anxiety. I’m a control freak. So not knowing what was happening inside my body with one hundred percent certainty was gut-wrenching to me. This was a time filled with lots of Gameboy, murder mysteries, and Facetime sessions. In that moment, I really had to trust my body, gut, and intuition. I simply had to believe that everything would be okay. And in those moments, as I lay draped over my couch in absolute exhaustion, I realized all the terror my own mom endured with me over the years. I could safely say I was an absolute nightmare sometimes. And I realize how much patience and worry she must have had, bearing the responsibility to raise a human that didn’t grow up to be a little shit. A human that cares for others, works hard, and overall, just has a good heart.

He’s still in my belly and I’m loving these moments so much. I’m loving the nights where I can just lay in bed with Ian knowing he’s well-cared for and that my body is just taking care of business. I’m loving lazy days laying in silence or with the tv in the background, anticipating every little flutter and wondering if it’s gas or real movement. I’m loving the moments when I know, without a doubt, that that sensation was one of his first kicks or jabs. I’m loving the little nudges he gives me when I’m in a patient’s room – a gentle reminder that even though work can be a fucking cluster, he’s in there there and there’s so much to look forward to! I’m loving guessing what he’ll look like with Ian, and wondering what his personality will be like. I’m loving the sheer joy my parents exude each time I update them with how big he is this week (this week’s fruit comparison is a mango). I’m loving looking at the little clothes I’ve folded neatly in my closet and the jacket I couldn’t help but buy for him. I’m loving carrying him with me everywhere I go. I’m loving every little piece of this journey, and there’s still so much time left.

I know pregnancy will pass so quickly. I just wanted to take a moment to think hard about him, thank my body, let it rest, and give my mind some pause from the chaos of today. I know we’re going to be really busy soon. But right now, Kai is the absolute best distraction. He’s in the back of my mind all the time.

It’s so beautiful having my little sidekick by my side. Or I guess, inside.